Coach Potato: OK, damn it, the College Football Playoff is here: Win or Go Home, bitches

I’ve been watching TV about the Alabama – Oklahoma game and I guess Kyler Murray has never been tackled in his life.

Looking at Oklahoma’s stats this year, I guess that could be true. I haven’t been able to find any pictures of the small, elusive quarterback taking a solid lick, and he does play in the Big 12, where they play defense only because it’s required.

He’s a world-class centerfielder playing quarterback, he was drafted in the first round by the Oakland As and got a few mil, but decided to play quarterback anyway, and he won the Heisman Trophy. He averaged 500 yards a game.

But he’s little. He’s listed on the roster at 5-11, 195 and I don’t buy it.

Dwayne Haskins, 6-foot-3; Kyler Murray 5-11; Tua Tagavaiola, 6-1

Here’s a picture of him standing between the two other Heisman finalists. Dwayne, over there on the left, goes 6-3, and Tua, on the right, is 6-1, and the two big boys weigh about 220. I’m going to say they both look like they outweigh him by more than 25, but it’s hard to tell when guys are wearing suits. But y’all, that guy is about 5-8. That would make Tua 5 inches taller, and Dwayne 7 inches taller. Look closely – he comes up to about the middle of Tua’s nose, and Dwayne could eat a doughnut off his head.

He’s definitely a blue streak and runs an honest-to-god 4.4 40-yard-dash. That’s faster than most wide receivers and all quarterbacks except Michael Vick. He’s got a good enough arm to throw out Trea Turner tagging up after a line drive to deep center.

But I’ve got a feeling that one of those creatures on the Alabama defense who weigh about 270 pounds and run a 4.8 could get an angle on him break him in two. Dylan Moses could spy him and meet him head on after a gain of about two, or Quinnen Williams could beat that freshman center and get in the backfield and say BOOM. At which point, Kyler’s agent may come running onto the field with an armful of bubble wrap.

And I think Alabama will win because they have a defense and Oklahoma doesn’t. Alabama’s defense gets a little confused sometimes and gives up big plays, but Oklahoma’s defense gives up big plays when they all know what they are doing.

Also, Alabama’s guys are mad because Kyler beat Tua in the Heisman. Tua played most of the season hurt.

Maybe they’d like to see how Kyler does after his head bounces off the ground a few times.

Alabama could lose this game, but I’d be really surprised.

Notre Dame vs. Clemson

All the gamblers are loading up on Notre Dame, and the line dropped from 14 to 12. Sometimes lines drop because smart money comes in, and sometimes they drop because a lot of stupid people bet more than a few smart ones.

The few times I have seen Notre Dame play I have been stunned by how slow they are. That is a bad thing to be against Clemson, who is really fast.

I’m sorry, I just think Clemson is going to beat these guys unmercifully. I know you all hope I’m wrong, but how often does that happen, really?


Couch Potato: OK, so you’re the CFP Committee, what do you do? Who gets in? Who gets screwed?

Georgia kicked Alabama’s ass for 58 minutes and 54 seconds before second-team quarterback Jalen Hurts, in for a busted-up Tua Tagavaiola, ran that winning touchdown in and ascended into Bama Heaven borne on the wings of an angel chorus singing OOOOoooooOOOOOO!

Alabama’s undefeated. They played some cakes along the way but with two hurt quarterbacks and their best defensive back on the sideline they mowed through the last four games of the season and in their wake left broken enemy warriors weeping by the waters of Babylon.

They’re in. Still No. 1.

Clemson and their freshman quarterback Trevor Lawrence, who looks exactly like Sunshine in “Remember The Titans,” stomped Pittsburgh’s guts out and ate them, as anticipated. Could you make a case for Clemson to jump Alabama to the No. 1 slot? The ACC is a clown conference of stiffs and guys who play football because they weren’t tall enough to make the basketball team, so no.

Clemson’s in, No. 2

Georgia played an all but flawless game and would have probably won if not for the dumbest call in the history of football, a fourth-quarter fake punt on fourth-and-11 with the score tied that miraculously gained 2 yards instead of being stoned in the backfield because Alabama saw it coming and blew it up. Jake Fromm played his best game and looked better than the two guys who are going to finish first and second in the Heisman voting – Tua and Kyler Murray. Would you watch these two teams in a rematch? I would. 

Screw it. Georgia’s in, at No. 3, jumping Notre Dame because Notre Dame is slow as smoke off of shit and should be playing UCF in the Astro Bluebonnet Bowl.

But Notre Dame’s in at No. 4 because they’re Notre Dame and nobody else is.

Oklahoma doesn’t make it because their defense is godawful. Ohio State doesn’t make it because their defense is godawful, too. It’s not like their defenses take a lot of chances, give up some big plays but make a lot of interceptions and fumbles and sacks and force the game into the breakneck pace that favors their outstanding offenses. No. Their defenses just suck and suck defenses don’t get in the playoffs because Alabama will score 70 on you with two well quarterbacks and a month to get ready.

There are my picks. What are yours?


Couch Potato: Championship weekend – Oklahoma vs. Texas and Bama vs. Georgia only ones that matter

Championship weekend would be a lot more exciting if the games weren’t meaningless. Well, except for two, which might affect seeding. 

If things shake out the way everybody thinks it will, Alabama will beat Georgia and Oklahoma will beat Texas, which means we’ll have the battle of the electrifying quarterbacks Tua Tagovailoa vs. Kyler Murray in the opening round. Good. Maybe a few people will watch it, which has been a bit of a problem for the College Football Playoffs. 

The viewership of the CFP hasn’t been as colossal as ESPN hoped when it signed a 12-year contract for seventy jillion pillion dollars. People aren’t watching TV as much as they used to because the Internet is destroying the world, and college football fans tend to watch their team with ardor and ignore any other team that they haven’t laid a bet on. 

That’s why we won’t be having an eight-team playoff until they figure out how to make it rain. That, and have eight teams that deserve to be there. 

If Georgia wins, Alabama and Georgia will both go to the playoffs and Oklahoma gets screwed, and so will the advertisers who bought time on the semifinal broadcasts. Ohio State is probably going to get screwed no matter what because Notre Dame went undefeated against a cake schedule, and Notre Dame is Notre Dame and they’re not. 

Anyhow. Whatever. Here we go.  

Big 12, Oklahoma vs. Texas, noon on ABC 

The only reason this game isn’t a yawn is because Texas somehow beat Oklahoma 48-45 during the regular season, which goes to show it can be done.  

Texas is weird this season and Oklahoma scores billions and plays no defense at all. The teams hate each other, which always improves watchability.  

Kyler Murray is amazing and fun to watch, but he’s listed at 5-foot-11 in the program and is probably more like 5-9, which means if he goes to the NFL he’ll be a punt returner. 

Sun Belt, Louisiana-Lafayette at Appalachian State noon on ESPN 

Lafayette, Louisiana is one of the greatest towns to eat in that ever was if you like fried food and gumbo, which I do. Boone, NC, is really pretty with mountains and trees and stuff.  

That is all I know about these teams. 

AAC, UCF vs. Memphis, 3:30 p.m. on ABC 

UCF lost its quarterback last week to a pretty grim-looking knee injury, and the new guy is a good runner but doesn’t pass as well. Memphis only lost 31-30 to these guys earlier in the year and could ruin a perfect season and incessant talk of fake national championships and deserving a berth in the playoffs. I have yet to meet an Alabama fan who is not fully in favor of UCF earning the right to challenge the Crimson Tide in the first round of the playoffs, which should tell you something. Memphis got beat by Navy and slaughtered by Tulane, so I gotta think UCF’s got a chance even with McKenzie Milton on crutches. 

SEC, Alabama vs. Georgia, 4 p.m. on CBS 

The one thing I see in Georgia’s favor is that there’s a close-to-unanimous consensus that Alabama will beat the hell out of them, and when that happens, a lot of the time the underdog wins. However, I’ve felt that way about Alabama’s games with LSU, Mississippi State and Auburn, and Alabama beat the hell out of all of them. Nevertheless, Georgia has an elite defense, even if it did give up 36 points to LSU, whom Alabama shut out. The Dawgs also have an excellent running game and Alabama has been less dominant against the run than usual – even underachieving Auburn had a 75-yard TD against them only it was called back by a holding penalty because of course it was. If Georgia can establish the run, make first downs, keep Tua off the field and score about 38 points … yeah, sure. 

ACC, Clemson vs. Pittsburgh, 8 p.m. on ABC 

OK, last week Clemson looked so shitty against South Carolina that Dabo got mad at fans who said so and acted like he might leave and go somewhere he would be better appreciated. Within hours, Auburn started negotiating a cheaper buyout for Gus Malzahn if he wants to keep his job, which would be the dumbest financial decision ever made if Gus signs that piece of paper. Oh, I can have $32 million now and never have to work again, or I can keep my $7 million job another year if I take less than $32 million if you fire me next year after I lose all my best players? Sure! (Pro tip: Take the $32 million and go somewhere you don’t have to play Nick Saban every year). I don’t think Dabo will go to Auburn, but I never thought we’d be getting ready to send people to Mars in a few years, either, so I guess anything’s possible. Except Pittsburgh beating Clemson. Pittsburgh’s just fucking awful.

Northwestern vs. Ohio State, 8 p.m. on Fox 

Ordinarily, I’d say Northwestern and snowballs in Hell have a lot in common against Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship Game. But the Buckeyes are so flaky, it wouldn’t surprise me if they lost,  which would make Rose Bowl officials start playing Russian roulette with a full clip and one in the pipe because Northwestern has about 43 fans. But OSU looked good last week exposing Michigan as a big, slow team that played a weak schedule, and with a convincing win today would probably back into the playoffs if Texas could beat Oklahoma. The last time OSU backed into the playoffs against Alabama, they upset the heavily favored Tide and went on to win the national title. Past performance is no indication of future results.